Difficult People

Most of us probably have a person, or several, in our lives who do not—cannot or will not—care about us as we care about them. This is especially difficult if we would ordinarily expect the connection to be a close one, as with a parent, a child, a “significant other” or spouse. In my own relationships, I find that I desperately want to know which: are they really unable to form a close tie or do they just not want to? And why is that? Sure, I can say, “That’s just the way he/she is,” but that is not very satisfying. I want to change the situation.

“Ay, there’s the rub,” as Shakespeare’s Hamlet would say, meaning “And that’s the problem.” As much as I might want to change someone’s interaction with me, I really cannot control that. The only person I can change is me; the only person who can change the other is the other. Understanding why someone does not relate positively to me or others may very well be something I cannot know. Sometimes I simply have to accept the fact that they do not relate well and that the only thing I can determine is what I will do with that reality.

“Love is a choice.” “Love is a decision.” “Love is more than just a feeling.” Many writers and speakers have pointed this out to us, and after we live with people for awhile, we realize that it really is true. At the same time, however, we must realize that some people’s “choosers” when it comes to loving have been badly damaged. This may have been done long ago unintentionally, perhaps by parents devoid of emotion or by an unstable environment. Other people may have experienced some cruel counterfeit of love in their early years of social development. Or it can be the long-practiced selfishness of the individual himself/herself. If you are like me, you would like to fix that person so that he/she can love freely.

Sorry—that’s just not possible. It may help us be patient if we realize that difficult people probably don’t like themselves much either, but we cannot change that for them. What we can do is change how we relate to the person. We can let go. We don't have to deny the fact that his/her behavior hurts us or embarrasses us or just annoys us. We're not crazy for feeling what we feel; some behaviors really are damaging or inappropriate or tiresome. But we cannot make them give to the relationship what they are unable or unwilling to give. So then, while we can develop a tolerance for these difficult people, we also have the right to establish some healthy boundaries about our interaction with them.

It may not be as simple as just avoiding them, especially in the home or workplace where we have obligations that require personal encounter. What we can do is detach ourselves a bit from the emotional friction caused by being “rubbed the wrong way.” It’s only a guess, but I’m thinking that expression comes from our childhood lessons on how to pet a cat; they are irritated by having the stroking ruffle their fur instead of smooth it. In my experience, the cat rubbed the wrong way did not bite or scratch, but neither did it cozy up for more of the same treatment. It moved away. It detached. In a relationship, this would mean to stop letting what I am not getting from that person control my life.

Easy enough to say . . . hard to do. The Apostle Paul had the right perspective in his letter to the church at Corinth, anticipating that some of the factious members there would be disparaging of him. "It matters very little to me what you think of me," he wrote boldly, "even less where I rank in popular opinion. I don't even rank myself. Comparisons in these matters are pointless. I'm not aware of anything that would disqualify me from being a good guide for you, but that doesn't mean much. The Master makes that judgment." (I Corinthians 4:3, 4) Paul was detached. He loved the Corinthians, but he was not dependent on their returned love and approval to guide his own actions or his sense of worth. That direction and value came from his Lord.

So could we be a little more like Paul and not try so hard to take the whole responsibility for our relationships with difficult people?

MaryMartha
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Read a related article: Letting Go here

Scripture taken from THE MESSAGE. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

Email: mrymrtha@gmail.com