Things Mama Taught Me: "It's Good to Share"

My parents brought up six children, all of whom were living in the home at the same time. There had to be some lines drawn about owning stuff.

Community ownership was the rule concerning many things. The pets belonged to everyone—and no one; they were outdoor animals and pretty much fended for themselves. The bicycles belonged to everyone, and so did the old tires and barrel hoops we rolled and the swing that hung from a pipe frame. The playhouse in an old chicken house was no one's exclusively. Unless they had been given to you specifically, the crayons and scissors and flour paste belonged to everyone.

But there was personal ownership too. Each of us had a "cupboard," a fruit crate turned on end, fitted with extra shelves and curtained by our mother. In it were papers, books, toys that belonged specifically to that person, old keys, pretty rocks, and anything else that was treasured by the owner and that would fit between the shelves. When the possessions stuffed into it began to fall out, Mama decreed that "it is time to clean out your cupboard." It was a terrible affront to have someone (that is to say, a sibling) "go into your cupboard" without permission. Another example of a strict ownership rule is this: Candy did not appear in our home very often, but at Christmas there was a plate of fruit, nuts, and candy for each of us (a German tradition). Sorrow was certain to come to any person who failed to honor "mine" and "thine."

Sharing and taking turns were lessons in the schoolroom and in the Sunday School classes. The materials and play equipment there did not belong to any of us but to "the school" or to "the church." We could use them if we shared and if we took turns. (This, we were assured, pleased Jesus.) But at home, I do not remember much about being ordered to share. That was encouraged, of course. "It's good to share," we were taught, but we were not forced to share what was rightfully ours individually.

So did we grow up to be hard-hearted and selfish? No, I don't think so. What we learned back then is that there are boundaries. We do not take things that belong to someone else. We do not enter places where we are not invited or assigned. We do not intrude into affairs that are not our business. We do not assume the right to do what we want at the cost of everyone else's comfort or pleasure; this is particularly true in public placates.. We respect other people and what is theirs. Hopefully, they will respect us and what is ours. Then when we decide to give or share, it is from the heart because we have chosen it.

We learned to respect God and what is His too. The Bible, God's Book, was handled with particular care. The Church, God's house, was a place to walk and not run, to speak quietly and not laugh loudly. The music was lively but appropriate to this special place. The "saints" there, God's people, were held in esteem. We shared our time and money and childish energy not because we had to but because we wanted to. (Well, most of the time, anyway!) As an adult, I now have a clearer sense of everything having its source in God and ultimately belonging to Him. But I am also still guided by the principles of responsibility to myself and others that I first learned as a child.

To think about:
What were you taught about having personal belongings and about sharing? Does that still affect your sense of owning stuff?

MaryMartha

Art from http://www.sxc.hu/

The Gospel According to . . . Whom?

For a long time, we read Oswald Chambers and Dwight L. Moody and E. M. Bounds for inspiration and spiritual instruction. These were really, really serious servants of Jesus Christ! It's with some frequency now that we read or hear a new "take" on what it really means to participate in the Kingdom of God. In 2000, Bruce Wilkinson's book, "The Prayer of Jabez: Breaking Through to the Blessed Life," inspired a host of derivatives: three versions written for children and one for women, a journal, a book of devotions, a Bible study, a musical "worship experience," and a wide array of official merchandise including key chains, mugs, backpacks, Christmas ornaments, scented candles, mouse pads, and jewelry.

Then in 2002, the Christian book world was taken by storm with Rick Warren's "The Purpose-Driven Life." This is it! Read this book as a 40-day personal spiritual journey and find God's five purposes for human life on earth! Discover the blueprint for Christian living in the 21st Century! And this year, Joel Osteen with "Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential." It's not creating big waves, but I recently read, "Sin Bravely: A Joyful Alternative to a Purpose-Driven Life" by Mark Ellingsen, an open (though kindly) rebuttal—with some merit, I might add—of this decade's authors.

So who's right? Well, probably they all are.

What? Really? How could they all be right? Somebody has to be missing it, don't they, because they are all so different; Oswald Chambers and Rick Warren are just not in the same ballpark at all.

What we often fail to understand is that the truths of the Kingdom are like precious gems that catch the light in different ways as they are held one way and then another. Don't misunderstand me; there is but one way into the Kingdom of God. Jesus explained to Nicodemus that one must be born into it. But how Kingdom life is lived out is as varied as the people who make up the Kingdom. No one can claim that he/she understands God best because they worship with "Holy, holy, holy, Lord God Almighty, Merciful and Mighty! God in three Persons, blessed Trinity!" The Christian is no less spiritual who chooses to sing, "Open the eyes of my heart, Lord. I want to see You." It is a different facet of wonderful truth.

Jesus Himself exemplified balance in the Gospel message. One time He said, "As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work." (John 9:4) Another time He invited, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28) Different people, or the same people at different times, need to hear specific emphases which are different aspects of the same message. For hundreds of years, the Church has found balance through those whose teachings hold up into the light one certain thing or another one.

What an illuminated understanding of the Gospel can be ours if we are open to as many different understandings as are consistent with the Scripture!

MaryMartha

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Art from http://www.sxc.hu/

Things Mama Taught Me: "If You Can't Say Something Nice . . .

You know the rest of the line, I'm sure! We'll say it altogether now, ". . . don't say anything at all." This was good advice for confrontational situations with my siblings, but later in life, I had to learn when to speak up and how to do it.

I sometimes read the online comments that follow news items—but much of the time I don't because so many of them are rude and vitriolic. What is it about anonymity that gives people license to be so intolerant and discourteous? Administrators won't allow obscene comments or threats, but just about anything else goes. I wonder if the writers really feel better after venting or if doing so just enhances their opinion that most other people are idiots, derelicts, or crooks.

And it's not only political and social figures that are blasted. I just finished reading some comparisons of mixes for baked goods. Among many appreciative and helpful comments, some people said:

"(The Such-and-Such goods) suck." [This may be inelegant, but not really as vulgar and offensive as it once was.)

"(Baked goods) are just as easy to make from scratch as they are from a box, and they taste about a thousand times better. Why so lazy, everybody???"

"This is ridiculous . . . poor quality."

"Anybody who has not tried (Such-and-Such brand) has no right to comment on the issue."

Who knew folks could feel so strongly about what we baked? Don't we believe that "nothing says lovin' like something from the oven"?

Many times opinions are merely interesting points of conversation, and as such they shouldn't be allowed to destroy good social interaction. But sometimes we find ourselves in difficult situations concerning things that truly matter, and we need to express an honest opinion even though it is negative in content. Perhaps we have been asked for it, or it becomes our moral duty to speak out. It's right to have our opinion, and sometimes it is right to express it strongly. But if you can't say something nice, find a nice way—a respectful, decent way—to say what must be said. That excludes angry controlling and name-calling and put-downs.

Do read "Don't Try to Force Your Opinion on Others" which is something else Mama taught me. (Click here)
MaryMartha

Art from http://www.sxc.hu/

Remembering

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.
-- Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, a Canadian
physician, after witnessing the death of his soldier-friend the day before.

This is Veterans' Day in the U.S., and Remembrance Day in the countries of the United Kingdom. First observed as Armistice Day and still called that in many countries, it commemorated the symbolic end of World War I on November 11, 1918, with the signing of the armistice between the Allies and Germany. In Belgium, part of the Flanders Fields region, it is known as The Day of Peace. For us, it has become the day to honor all, both the living and the dead, who have served in our country's armed forces during any conflict.

As elementary school students, we read "In Flanders Field," and while war was a difficult and faraway concept for us to grasp, we had a great deal of respect for those who were keeping our country free and safe. Because we lived in a rural area, there were no veterans standing on street corners to give out artificial red poppies in return for a donation to benefit their disabled buddies. Instead, we took the crepe paper poppies home to our parents and brought the dollars and dimes back to school for "the soldier boys." Patriotism, during those times, was an honorable thing.

Though we are in difficult times, I am not so wearied and disillusioned that I can forget what it has cost other men and women to keep my little world free and safe. I am grateful.

Read the 2008 post, "I Will Remember" [here].

MaryMartha

Art from http://www.sxc.hu/

Things Mama Taught Me: "Don't Be Quick to Judge"

My mother was not quick to judge the motives of other people. She censured actions when necessary, but she knew that a person's deepest desires and intents could not be readily discerned. "The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (I Samuel 16:7) She often quoted a few lines from a poem by the English poet and philanthropist, Adelaide Anne Procter (1825-1864).

Judge not the workings of his brain
And of his heart thou canst not see;
What looks to thy dim eyes a stain
In God's pure light may only be
A scar, brought from some well-won field,
Where thou would'st only faint and yield.

In plainer language, Mama was saying, "You can't really tell what a person is thinking or believing. You don't know what they've been through to make them what they are. It's quite possible you would not have done as well as they have, so don't be too quick to judge!"

About judging, Jesus said, "Don't!" “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged. (Matthew 7:1, 2) The Apostle Paul wrote these cautions to the church at Rome, "You may think you can condemn such people, [all kinds of evildoers listed in previous verses] but you are just as bad, and you have no excuse! When you say they are wicked and should be punished, you are condemning yourself, for you who judge others do these very same things . . . Who are you to condemn someone else’s servants? They are responsible to the Lord, so let him judge whether they are right or wrong. And with the Lord’s help, they will do what is right and will receive his approval . . . So let’s stop condemning each other. Decide instead to live in such a way that you will not cause another believer to stumble and fall." (Romans 2:1; 14:4; 13)

And that's all that Mama would say about that!

MaryMartha

Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

The rest of Procter's poem is well worth reading (3 more stanzas). It is found in "The Poems of Adelaide A. Procter," a volume from the New York Public Library digitized by Google, and located at
http://www.archive.org/details/poemsadelaideap01procgoog
Another of her poems, perhaps more famous, is also there, "The Lost Chord."

Labor Day

This is Labor Day, celebrated with a three-day weekend in the U.S. I learned as a child that it was intended to recognize the importance of American workers, but that made no sense to me. A day off to honor working people? On the farm we worked just the same as every other day. (Well, that's not quite true. We didn't go to school, but back then school didn't start until after Labor Day, anyway.) So I think it would be nice to honor people who do work on Labor Day and most other holidays. Among them:

* Farmers, ranchers, dairymen, veterinarians and all who tend to animals' needs
* Police officers and other safety/law enforcement personnel
* Firefighters
* Nurses, doctors, lab technicians, and other hospital attendants including cooks and cleaning staff
* Military men and women
* Ambulance drivers and emergency medical technicians
* Disaster relief workers
* Hotel and motel employees
* Restaurateurs and their cooks and wait staff
* Service station and convenience store employees
* Transportation workers for airlines, railroads, shipping companies, and taxi services
* Movie theater attendants, along with workers at many other entertainment centers
* Trash pickup workers
* Retail store employees, including grocery stores
* Shelter and food service workers at sites which aid the needy
* Church staffs, when called upon

Let's hear it for the laborers who make holidays safer, happier, more fun, for the rest of us! [Insert loud clapping and cheering here]

P.S. And don't forget the mothers who are in labor, giving birth today!

MaryMartha

Tolerance ≠ Compromise

Tolerance does not necessarily equal compromise. Obviously, lots of people in our society are not too concerned about pleasing God in their lifestyle. Many Christians, I think, are afraid of being considerate of them lest they should themselves face an accusation of being easy on sin. And that simply would not do!

In 1998, after Bill Clinton had made a very public personal failure and a public plea for forgiveness, Tony Campolo was called to act as Clinton's spiritual guide and counselor. In an ABC interview, he says he was asked by the President "to deal with his relationship with Jesus, and the sin in his life. That is not something I've made up, that's what he asked me to do. He called me about two weeks ago and said, 'I need for you to come and spend time with me each week to talk about Jesus, and to talk about my relationship with Jesus and to deal with the sin in my life.' "

The interviewer reminds him that people are apt to put a bad spin on this, that he is just being brought in to put a gloss of contrition on a circumstance that is very damaging for the President. And Tony replies, "Let me just tell you what Jesus is all about. It's about unconditional love and being willing to be crucified. . . . If I have to worry about the spin that other people give to my life instead of being responsible to answering to God for my motivation, I'll go crazy. I mean I don't know what the options are. Am I supposed to stand back here and play a game politically and say, 'How could the Democrats use this? How can the Republicans use this?' I'm only interested in one question: How can God use this? . . . I'm willing to be betrayed, if it gives me an opportunity to share Jesus and his love with a man who needs it very much." Was the Rev. Campolo afraid that "tolerance" will harm his image as a Baptist pastor and evangelist? No. He knows that to love as Jesus loved is not compromise.

The late Jerry Falwell, ultra-conservative televangelist and harsh critic of "pagans," abortionists, feminists and gays/lesbians had this to say in an MSNBC appearance in August of 2005, "I may not agree with the lifestyle," [quite obviously he did not], "but that has nothing to do with the civil rights of that part of our constituency." Equal access to housing and employment are basic rights, not special rights, he declared. "Civil rights for all Americans, black, white, red, yellow, the rich, poor, young, old, gay, straight, et cetera, is not a liberal or conservative value. It's an American value . . ." Did Dr. Falwell fear that giving equality to all citizens might be seen as weakness? No. He knew that to treat people fairly is not compromise.

It isn't necessary for us to approve sinful behavior in order to acknowledge another's right to their own choices, even if that is to keep on sinning. After all, it was God Himself who gave that person the freedom to choose. It is only a parable that Jesus told, but the prodigal son's father let him go. He did not force the son to stay under his father's jurisdiction. He was free to sin, just as we all are until we come under "new management."

"What happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely. Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified." (Galatians 5:22-24)

MaryMartha

My earlier post related to tolerance/political correctness [here]

Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

The interview with Tony Campolo is located at http://www.abc.net.au/rn/talks/8.30/relrpt/trr9839.htm

Jerry Falwell's comments are at http://www.answers.com/topic/jerry-falwell#cite_note-15
under the heading, "Social and Political Views: Civil Rights."

Not How It Used to Be

Nearly four hundred years after King Solomon completed the construction of the glorious Temple of God, it was destroyed by the Babylonians (586 BC). The invading army carried most of the citizens away, leaving only the poorest to care for the land. Eventually, some of the exiled were permitted to return, and with the support of the Persian ruler Cyrus and later Darius, the Temple was rebuilt (515 BC). The dimensions of the Second Temple were likely the same as that of the first, perhaps even on the repaired foundations of the first, but there was no way to reproduce the splendor. Both David and Solomon had opened their vast treasuries for the building and extravagant furnishing of God's house. Even with the aid of sympathetic foreigners, the present means of people in this desolate country were small compared to the immense resources of the former kings during prosperous circumstances.

"When the builders completed the foundation of the Lord’s Temple, the priests put on their robes and took their places to blow their trumpets. And the Levites, descendants of Asaph, clashed their cymbals to praise the Lord, just as King David had prescribed. With praise and thanks, they sang this song to the Lord: 'He is so good! His faithful love for Israel endures forever!' Then all the people gave a great shout, praising the Lord because the foundation of the Lord’s Temple had been laid. But many of the older priests, Levites, and other leaders who had seen the first Temple wept aloud when they saw the new Temple’s foundation. The others, however, were shouting for joy." (Ezra 3:10-12 NLT)

Those who knew the sadness of having no temple at all were overjoyed when they saw the foundation of the new one laid. To them, this was like food to a starving person. But for those who could remember the grandeur of the first temple, this new one would surely be far inferior. There was no likelihood at all of its being so richly decorated with precious materials. They wept aloud, their cries mingling with the cheers around them. Some translations say these were "ancient men," seventy or eight years old (uh oh!) They lamented, "This is not how it used to be."

I cannot help but think of this story when I hear some of my fellow church-goers speak slightingly of contemporary worship forms and church direction. Rather than bewail the loss of how things used to be, we must accept that many of those around us do not share the same memories. They, like the spiritually starved younger generation of Israelites, are overjoyed at the prospect and reality of worshipping in the presence of God together. We "ancient" folks are grown-ups now; we can feed ourselves, if need be. If you miss the old hymns, find a hymn book and sing yourself into grace! If you miss old-fashioned "cottage" prayer meetings, get some folks together! If you miss lively revival services, look around; they may not be in tents any more, but they still do exist in many places!

This is not how it used to be? Of course not. Nothing is. I'm with the Apostle Paul who declared, "So how am I to respond? I've decided that I really don't care about their motives, whether mixed, bad, or indifferent. Every time one of them opens his mouth, Christ is proclaimed, so I just cheer them on!" (Philippians 1:17 MSG)

MaryMartha

Scripture quotation marked NLT is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved. Scripture marked MSG is taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

Things Mama Taught Me: Don't Force Your Opinion on Others

My siblings and I are not shy about having our own opinions; we have them on almost everything! Thankfully, we don't find it necessary to persuade everyone around us to follow our lead, a mostly useless endeavor anyway. Our mother said clearly and often, "A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still." This old proverb has been used in different forms by a number of modern authors, Dale Carnegie for one, but I doubt that she had ever read "How to Win Friends and Influence People." It's been around for a very long time, perhaps two or three hundred years. Mary Wollstonecraft, a famous British writer and feminist, used a variation of the quote in her 1792 treatise, "A Vindication of the Rights of Woman." Its placement in quotation marks there indicates that it was not original with her; she either did not know origin of the saying or assumed that it was so popularly known that citing the source was unnecessary. She may have been misquoting lines from Samuel Butler's 17th century poem, "Hudibras":

He that complies against his will
Is of his own opinion still
Which he may adhere to, yet disown,
For reasons to himself best known.

Whether that thought was Butler's own or borrowed from an even older saying, we'll probably never know, but regardless of the source, Mama was right. It's pretty hard to force someone to think as you do. They may seem to acquiesce, but like the little boy who was sent to sit in the corner, they are "still standing up on the inside."

It is proper and right to have an opinion on things, but I don't have to weigh in with my opinion on everything! I even have to examine regularly my need to write: "Will I do so even when I do not know who out there in the cyber world is reading?" (Yes.) It is indeed important to stand up for what is right—but one could spend all their waking hours trying to correct the multitude of errors and wrongs to be found around us. And speaking frankly, most of those attempts would be only verbal—a blast of hot, but empty, opinion about this person or that situation—with there being very little that we could actually do about it.

Still, even if some people are argumentative, having opinions is a good thing and being free to express them is . . . priceless! "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." I thank God for freedom of speech.

And for Mama who taught us some lessons about how to use it.

MaryMartha

You may want to read related entries in this blog:
Don't Confuse Me with the Facts
Of Peanut Butter, Critical Reviews, and Tuning In
In All Things Charity

Info on the quotes:
(1) http://www.cliffsnotes.com/WileyCDA/Section/id-305408,articleId-41563.html.
(2) Attributed to Voltaire, French philosopher and author, 1694-1778. The Columbia World of Quotations. 1996.

Desperate to Be Heard

A couple of weeks ago, a cyber attack caused Twitter, the social network with more than forty-four million users to shut down for a couple of hours. Facebook and the blogging site LiveJournal were also affected to a lesser degree. What surprised me when this incident was reported was not that it had happened, since even U.S. government sites have proved to be not 100% secure. What caught my attention was user reaction to the loss of their communication link.

For some, the blackout created near-panic. "I can't update! I can't update!" Online communication, in their lives, is not just a hobby or an amusement but a crucial part of social interaction. Suddenly having that cut off was upsetting, even frightening; it is a veritable lifeline. One user said she felt naked without Twitter. I am from the pre-Internet generation and that seems strange to me, because she also said that "pretty much everyone knows almost every detail of my life" by her postings on Twitter. Now that would make me feel "naked"!

Years ago, in an information technology class, the instructor told us how important personal interaction was going to be in the coming years. "A high-tech society is going to demand high-touch too," he said, emphasizing that those of us who went into service careers would have to be people-oriented as well as computer-savvy. I think we see that happening. The young people who were brought up on television and electronic games are desperate to be heard. And not just the kids, because the more automated and hurried and impersonal our personal environments become, the more a lot of us wish we could just talk to someone. We too want to be heard.

We might like to think this would be solved if everyone sat down and ate dinner together. It would help, we may suppose, if teachers could have class discussions instead of spending so much time trying to maintain order. Or we just need to "unplug."

That's not likely to happen! What people want is not just to talk; they want to be heard. Nielson Online, a research firm that measures Internet traffic, reported in April that Twitter's audience retention rate is about 40% after one month of membership. It is hard to build and keep an audience, and when what a person is saying is not "heard," they are probably going to quit talking.

What I can do in my small world, and you can do in yours, is to listen, really listen. Whether you use letters and e-mails, phone calls and text messages, or actually engage in face-to-face conversation, give your friends or family members the evidence that they are being heard.

MaryMartha

Another post on listening: http://findingthefaithway.blogspot.com/2008/12/simple-gift-listening.html

Information on Twitter:
www.crn.com (Search terms: nielson report twitter)
www.money.cnn.com (Search: twitter denial of service)

Things Mama Taught Me: Say "I'm Sorry"

But what if I'm not sorry? Or what if I'm sorry only that my action was discovered? That made no difference to my mother. She knew that the humbling process of apologizing was a step toward genuine sorrow, especially if accompanied by corrective measures so that I didn't care to repeat it! Action often has to precede emotion; if I say "sorry" and act out "sorry," the chances are good that I will eventually feel sorry as well.

Wouldn't it have been nice if, as a child, I had had a PR person following me around, declaring, "She didn't really mean that. What she intended to say was . . ." On a regular basis, we hear leaders in politics, religion, and business offering their sort-of apologies: "I'm sorry you misunderstood . . . " "A lot of people were hurt . . . " "I did not intend to . . . " Do you ever get the feeling that given the same opportunity but with the assurance that this time they could avoid being caught, the offenders would probably repeat their action? Whatever happened to "I was wrong. I'm sorry. Please forgive me and I'll never do this again"? As documented by primatologists, even chimpanzees have reconciliation protocols, which sometimes look a lot like handshaking. Obviously, they had mothers who taught them to say, "I'm sorry."

The horror of many a crime or tragic accident is mitigated by the genuine remorse the offender demonstrates. Even judges are not immune to the presence—or absence—of authentic regret. For those who have suffered loss, sometimes the closure afforded by seeing the sorrow of the one who caused their grief is as important as the sentence handed down by the court. Too often they are denied that relief by someone who is not even sorry for the pain they have created.

"For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death." (II Corinthians 7:10) Saying "I'm sorry" when we're wrong is good for us.

MaryMartha

You may want to read the post Never Saying "Sorry." Click on the title.

Scripture quotation is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

Goodbye to a Person You Once Knew

Years ago I was deeply affected by Eda LeShan’s account of losing a large amount of weight. (Winning the Losing Battle, 1979) As is true with many people, she found the root of this problem in attitudes and ideas she had brought with her from childhood. She finally told the self she had been for almost all her life ("Fat Eda"), “You suffered so much pain and you tried so hard; it has been such a struggle—as far back as memory—the hunger, the desperate efforts at control, the torment of self-consciousness and self-loathing . . . the shame and frustration and disappointment. Thank you, dear friend, for caring so much and finally letting me go. I'll never, ever forget you." And although she was justifiably proud of her achievement, she very literally mourned the loss of someone she once knew.

The Apostle Paul urges us, “Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.” (Romans 12:2) Sometimes changing the way you think means leaving behind someone you have known for a long time—an earlier self. The words of a song come to mind: “I’ve grown accustomed to [your] face.” That person may not have been “bad” at all; there was nothing really wrong with LeShan’s inner self except that she was still just that heartsick little nine-year old girl. Finding that you no longer want to be the person you are accustomed to being can be disheartening until you begin truly to love the new person that is developing.

Erik Kolbell, a psychotherapist and former minister at New York's Riverside Church, has written a fine book, The God of Second Chances. In it, he mentions his admiration for women who have found their way out of abusive relationships. They underwent a major change in their thinking, refusing to tolerate any longer the degradation being heaped on them. They came to understand that they did not have to remain burdened by the pieces of their past or their personality that unwittingly capitulated to abuse. Although their new optimism and self-esteem is cherished, they are not likely to ignore the fact that it was won by a certain kind of “dying,” giving up something of themselves. However unhealthy that earlier self was, it can be painful to say goodbye forever.

The alcoholic, the approval addict, the “control freak,” the compulsive eater or liar or shopper face the same loss—part of the person they once knew has to be left behind. Be gentle with the individual who is constructing a new life pattern. (Even if, or maybe especially if, that person is you!) It is not as easy as just making a New Years’ resolution. Often it is not even part of the decision to receive Jesus Christ as Savior. It may be a part of one’s spiritual growth or it may be a practical, personal determination. In any event, respect the enormous sacrifice of self that he/she (or you) have made to be transformed into a new person.

MaryMartha
(All rights reserved)

Scripture quotation taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

Email: mrymrtha@gmail.com

A Simple Gift: Listening

A long-time work associate of mine is moving far away. Her family home is not in this area, so it’s unlikely that our paths will cross again. Her good-bye note to me said, “You have been a great influence [on] me . . . You’ve offered much calm and wise advice.”

I was totally surprised! When had I ever offered advice to this co-worker? Maybe I cheered, “Go for it!” as she advanced step by step to middle management. Perhaps while she was considering whether there might be a move in her future, I said something like, “Just hold steady. When it’s time, you will know what to do.” And I did tell her, “I will pray for you.” But advice? No, I don’t think so.

What I did mostly was listen. I did not realize, while she talked and I listened and nodded, that she was sorting things out. This—I need to do as soon as possible. This—I don’t even have to think about yet. And this—maybe isn’t even an issue at all! The answers were already forming in her. All I did was listen with affirmation.

I have believed for a long time that people with questions or problems often have the “seeds” of the answers or solutions within themselves. Talking helps bring to the conscious level what may be only a faint glimmer of insight. If we can stand being quiet, we can often give others a very simple, yet quite profound, gift. Listening attentively says a number of things:

I care about you.
Your question or problem or concern is not trivial.
I understand your fear, worry, anger, uncertainty (or whatever the case may be).
I am confident in your ability to find your way.

Give the simple gift of listening to your friends and to your family. And try giving it to yourself as well!

MaryMartha
(All rights reserved)

Email: mrymrtha@gmail.com

Things Mama Taught Me: "Is It True . . . Kind . . . Necessary?"

There are many versions of these tests for words we speak, attributed to a variety of speakers: Ann Landers, for one, and Eleanor Roosevelt, the Rotary Club, a guru named Sai Baba, and a very old poem before any of those other possible sources existed. But this is the one I heard my mother often repeat, and she probably heard it from her mother.

First of all, is what I am about to say true? Mama was super-conscientious about telling the truth. (Maybe that’s why she never said very much!) The rationale for that is very clear. Her Bible—the King James Version, of course. Proverbs 12:22 says, “Lying lips are abomination to the LORD: but they that deal truly are his delight.” In Ephesians 4:25, she read, “Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man [every person] truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another.” The ultimate rule was one of the Ten: “Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.” (Exodus 20:16) We could take this to mean only giving false testimony in court, but Bible scholars do not see it that way. One of them writes, “[This] commandment concerns our own and our neighbour's good name. This forbids speaking falsely on any matter, lying, equivocating, and any way devising or designing to deceive our neighbour. Speaking unjustly against our neighbour, to hurt his reputation. Bearing false witness against him, or in common conversation slandering, backbiting, and tale-bearing; making what is done amiss worse than it is, and in any way endeavouring to raise our reputation upon the ruin of our neighbour's. (Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary) The test can be interpreted then by asking, “Am I intending to deceive?

Next, is what I am about to say kind? There are many things one could say which would be absolutely true, but are best voiced with the greatest care or even left unsaid. “That dress makes you look really fat!” “You’re not studying hard enough. You can do better than a B!” “You’d better get out and wash the car; it looks dreadful!” Mama didn’t speak words like these. Again she had the Scripture as her guide. “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1) And she read in Colossians 4:6, “Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man.” A word of explanation about “salt” in that last verse: Grace is the “salt” which seasons our conversation, and keeps it from being corrupt. Though our speaking will not always be about grace, yet it must always be with grace. Even the ordinary should be spoken of in a Christian manner.

Last, is what I am about to say necessary? I would qualify the word necessary a bit to say “helpful,” “beneficial,” or the Scriptural term, “edifying.” Mama knew the world could do with less banal chatter, and so she didn’t add much of it. It isn’t wise to say meaningless things just so there’s no dead air (a radio term meaning unexpected silence, sometimes caused because the broadcaster has run out of intelligent things to say). Now here’s an interesting Scripture! “Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding.” (Proverbs 17:28) That may be where Mark Twain got this piece of advice, "It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt." Another verse in Proverbs says, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.” (25:11) The Apostle Paul wrote, “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.” (Ephesians 4:29) If it serves no good purpose, it’s best to leave it unsaid.

These are very stringent tests, aren’t they? Maybe our speaking is not going to meet them all the time, but certainly, these little “guards” at the gate of our lips can help us be more aware of the words we let pass through. “Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer.” (From Mama’s Bible, Psalm 19:14)

MaryMartha
(All rights reserved)

Email: mrymrtha@gmail.com

Never Saying "Sorry"

"Love means never having to say you're sorry," is a popular line from the 1970 romance novel/film by Erich Segal. Love Story became the top selling work of fiction for all of 1970 in the United States, and was translated into more than 20 languages. The quotation above is perhaps even more enduring than the book itself. In 2005, the American Film Institute compiled a list of the top 100 movie quotations in American cinema. The "never saying sorry” line was #13.

The quote is often parodied. For example, a character on Rugrats says, “Being bad means never having to say you’re sorry,” and John Lennon is supposed to have said, “Love means having to say you're sorry every fifteen minutes.” Segal’s original meaning of the quote in his novel, “Love is not ever having to say you’re sorry,” is all but forgotten: not being sorry that we (the young couple) had loved and “lost,” not having regrets or blame. In the film, the line is used another time as the husband is about to apologize for his anger. His wife then responds with the famous words about never saying “sorry.”

When I first heard the words used that way, I knew instinctively that they were not true. Are we really so sure of ourselves that we think we are never going to make a mistake, even in a close relationship? (Maybe especially in a close relationship) I am with Lisa of The Simpsons. When the family was watching “Love Story,” and heard Jennifer say that love means never saying “sorry,” Lisa said “No, it doesn’t!” And I’m with the bag-of-rocks music professor (Ryan O’Neal) in “What’s Up, Doc?” who responded with “That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard.”

Part of being mature is being able to recognize when offense has been taken, even if unintended, and being willing to take responsibility for it. Perhaps a simple, humble explanation will help, or perhaps not. Perhaps something can be done to make amends; perhaps not. But at the very least, one should have the respect and courtesy to say, and to mean it, “I am sorry.”

(And by the way, don’t add, “But you . . .”)

MaryMartha
(All rights reserved)

Email: mrymrtha@gmail.com

Politically Correct and Legal (Or Simply Right and Kind)

In the last few years, a number of prominent persons in various leadership roles have, in their reported public speeches or in conversation which found its way into the media, opened their mouths and inserted a foot. Lest some important voter group or financial supporter be alienated, their official spokespersons have hastily apologized, “He didn’t really mean it that way,“ or “What she intended to say was—”

Although by then the term had been around for nearly forty years, we soon became quite accustomed to hearing the catch-phrase, “politically correct.” This term describes language, ideas, policies, or behavior which attempt to minimize offense to groups identified by gender, race, culture, disability, age or other criteria. To the leaders who made those public blunders, it meant expressing themselves next time in language that does not offend those who may prove to be important to the speaker’s cause! Because of that evident self-serving motivation, some Christians treat political correctness as a silly joke or even as a fault to be avoided. It is neither. For all the scorn heaped upon it, it is, for the most part, still correct. It is right not to offend others by trampling on their nationality, their occupation, or their physical characteristics. It is right not to disparage others’ religious beliefs, their part of town, or the car they drive. Why would I ever hear any political incorrectness when I go, of all places, to church?

Even the air at my professional workplace is “sanitized.” I never hear off-color jokes in the staff room, I never hear disparaging remarks about women, I never hear racial slurs or religious taunts. How did I come to be so protected? My employer, concerned about avoiding the hazards of a “hostile work environment,” provides mandatory sessions on diversity awareness and on harassment. How can it be that my workplace is a haven from ethnic jokes, religious put-downs, and gender-biased remarks--and among Church folks is where I have sometimes heard them?

With the very public recognition of what is appropriate language, ignorance is no longer an excuse. Just pay attention to what is expected in secular society. There is little reason to offend by our thoughtless words those to whom we want to minister--even though our expressions may be habitual because “That’s the way I was brought up.” If the world can learn to say what is correct and legal, we too can learn to say what is right and kind.

That is not to say that there will never be offense in presenting the claims of Christ. The Apostle Paul acknowledged this as a reality, because not everyone likes being confronted with the truth of the Gospel. We must heed the Apostle Peter’s admonition, however, to take care that we are not censured for our own faults. “There's no particular virtue in accepting punishment that you well deserve. But if you're treated badly for good behavior and continue in spite of it to be a good servant, that is what counts with God.” (I Peter 2:20 The Message) With presenting the reconciling Christ as our goal, why would we risk offending for a lesser cause?

It is my observation that most often these careless verbal offenses occur when an attempt is made to be funny. Paul warned us about this. “There must be no filthiness and silly talk, or coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. (Ephesians 5:4 NASB) I like a good joke; my family is blessed with several consummate storytellers who regale us with tales that are falling-down funny. And it is not wrong to laugh in church, either. I like the wacky photos that show up on the video screen and the humorous illustrations that the pastor gives. But we have to find something to laugh about besides people of other faiths, soccer moms and balding men, ethnic dialects, and used car dealers. What can we make jokes about? Well, let’s figure it out; to Peter and to Paul it was a serious concern. Politicians realize that their casual remarks are significant, and employers are concerned about the environment in which they place their workers. Are we to let the world be wiser than the children of light? There is no reason why the Church should be a decade or two behind.

MaryMartha
(All rights reserved)

Scripture taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. Scripture marked NASB taken from the New American Standard Bible, used with permission of http://www.lockman.org/

Email: mrymrtha@gmail.com

Eve and Consequences

Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage union before they disobeyed the direct command of God. While Adam was busy naming all of the animals, he kept looking for a helper, but there wasn’t one “just right for him.” So God made a woman out of a rib taken from Adam and brought her to the man. “At last!” Adam exclaimed. He recognized in Eve someone just like himself, yet different in ways that would make her the perfect complement and companion.

When blessing became curse because the couple ate forbidden fruit, God punished all of the participants. The serpent (Satan in disguise) became a despised creature, had to slither along on the ground, and would ultimately be conquered by woman’s Offspring (Jesus). The man’s efforts to make the earth--his work, in general--productive became much more difficult and sometimes even futile; eventually, he would die and return to the earth from which he came. (This would be true of all the human race, women as well as men.) The woman would endure pain in bearing children, and then God said to her, “And though you will have desire for your husband, he will rule over you.” (Genesis 3:16 margin)

This cannot, I am sure, be the beginning of human desire for one another. God had already written procreation into His plan, and He had already had “the talk” with the human beings telling them, “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it.” So what is different now that sin has entered the picture? She will always want more than her husband is able to give. I do not see at all that this verse delegates Adam to take authority over Eve or for her to be subject to him in the sense of being controlled. She simply would have to accept the fact that she couldn’t make Adam be something that he was not able to be on his own. Now that they were out of touch with the Creator, what she wanted was going to be “overruled” by the sinful person she had to live with.

Although cultural norms in ancient days—and as recently as the last century in our own country—put women under the control of men, I do not believe this is taught in Scripture. (See my posts on authority and submission.) But just as Eve’s desires were overruled by Adam, there is no husband today who can ever be enough to satisfy the deepest yearnings of the woman to whom he is married. No matter how perfect the marriage, no matter how full of love and respect the relationship is, there is a need in them both that the other cannot fill. It was true for Adam and Eve; they needed God. They needed to walk with Him in the garden when the cool evening breezes blew. They needed to talk with Him, share their plans, and share His plans. If Adam and Eve in their perfect world found they needed more than just each other, how much more we in our troubled society need more than human intimacy!

But what if one sincerely believes that this “rule” over the woman does indeed mean she is to be obedient and submissive? Then consider the fact that this stipulation was the result of wrongdoing. It was not the original Divine intention. Wouldn’t it seem then that the more fully we give ourselves to following Jesus, the closer we could approach the ideal—harmony in our marriages and unbroken fellowship with God?

MaryMartha
(All rights reserved)

Scripture quotation is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

Email: mrymrtha@gmail.com

Making a Difference

Early in life, we may have had dreams about being Superman, or at least being able to fly. Later we may have wanted to be an NFL player or an entertainment idol. Or we might have set our sights on being a millionaire by age 35. Whatever the goal, we were convinced that it would be ours.

For most of us, reality has painted a different picture, not only because we found the Superman role already taken but because we have changed what we want. While some still intend to be rich and famous, others have taken a more altruistic approach. Many men and women want most of all to leave a legacy of having made a difference in other people’s lives.

There are a number of ways to make a difference: educate people, introduce them to Jesus, provide health care and instruction, mentor young people into successful careers, feed the hungry and teach then how to produce food crops. The list goes on and on, limited only by our lack of imagination or our unwillingness.

There’s another way to make a difference in people’s lives. “Treat them well.” I watched the 1964 movie version of “My Fair Lady” again recently. This is the Cinderella story of two life-long bachelors who make a bet that Professor Higgins, a master linguist, can/cannot turn a ragged girl with a harsh cockney accent into a well-spoken young lady able to convince members of high society that she is one of them. Eliza Doolittle, the girl who sells flowers on the street corners of London, tells the professor, “The difference between a lady and a flower girl is not how she behaves, but how she is treated.”

Our household pets respond to loving attention; even wild animals can sometimes be persuaded through gentle entreaty to make their way onto the human scene. By what wild reckoning then, do we conclude that people—real men and real women and real young people and children—need less caring treatment than that? People are not for ignoring, or for deceiving, or for shaming. People are not for hitting, not for yelling at, not for growling at.

Respecting all people, to some degree, is what we must do because we share our humanity. We may have widely different values from others; we may not honor the choices they have made, but even so, we can seek to understand and to feel compassion. People with whom we have relationship, or want to build relationship, must be treated with special attention to the potential lying in them—not as ragged little street urchins but as someone worth knowing and even esteeming.

An unknown monk, living in the 12th century, wrote: "When I was a young man, I wanted to change the world. I found it was difficult to change the world, so I tried to change my nation. When I found I couldn't change the nation, I began to focus on my town. I couldn't change the town and as an older man, I tried to change my family. Now, as an old man, I realize the only thing I can change is myself, and suddenly I realize that if long ago I had changed myself, I could have made an impact on my family. My family and I could have made an impact on our town. Their impact could have changed the nation and I could indeed have changed the world." We can make a difference.

MaryMartha
(All rights reserved)

Source for monk's story: http://www.agiftofinspiration.com.au/stories/personalgrowth/Change.shtml

Email: mrymrtha@gmail.com

Things Mama Taught Me: "Mind Your Manners"

On the Well-Behaved Believer

Some days I got a gold star, some days a blue. And sometimes when I was mostly good but not entirely, my mother put a gold star on my chart but stuck a blue star underneath to shade it on one side. We children were told to mind our manners, and Mama found in I Peter 3:8 a commandment to give her instruction unequivocal authority. “Be courteous.”

Being courteous covered a lot of things, more than I could remember, but my mother created individual charts for each of us. She ruled a card into neat squares, and at the top, in bold blue letters, she wrote the Scripture she was enforcing, “BE COURTEOUS.” Underneath were the days of the week, and the particular courtesies each of us needed to practice were listed in a column on the left. For me these were such things as:

• Not talking back—and not making a face—when I was corrected.
• Not fighting with my older brothers about whose turn it was to clear
  the table.
• Not teasing my younger brothers when they had an accident.
• Playing quietly while others did their homework.
• Saying “Please pass the butter,” instead of grabbing.
• Getting up when I was called in the morning.

Unfortunately, when people become Christians, they don’t automatically become nice! This usually comes as something of a surprise, if not to the convert himself, then to those around him. If she was an inattentive driver before she met Jesus, she will probably be an inattentive driver afterwards! If he was boring before, he will likely be boring still.

This is not to say that the lordship of Jesus doesn’t change the way we relate to people, for it does. But many things we would like to have changed—especially when it comes to the other person’s habits— are not necessarily attendant from the moment of salvation onwards. They are a matter of deliberate attention and intention. A lot of Christian “witness” would be greatly enhanced by heeding Mama’s words, “Mind your manners!”

MaryMartha

(All rights reserved)

Email: mrymrtha@gmail.com

Another Bad Word: Submission

This entry is now posted at http://claiming-our-selves.blogspot.com/2009/09/another-bad-word-submission/html

MaryMartha