Things Mama Taught Me: "Always Do Your Best"

All my life I've been troubled by the concept of doing my best, drilled into me by parents with a strong work ethic. Even under the most adverse circumstances and personal stress, I somehow felt that anything less than what I was ultimately capable of producing was inadequate. Never mind that it had required sheer willpower, not to mention almost superhuman effort. If the results were less than what my abilities might have produced, it was not good enough.

Let me clarify with an example. Had I had six weeks instead of three, and had I had access to the research library every day instead of once a week, I would have produced an A on my project. That is not an excuse; it is just acknowledging what I know I am capable of if I have no severe limitations. Is the "A" worth sacrificing competence at my breadwinning job? Or a reasonable amount of time spent with my small child? Or the spirit-sustaining hour of worship on the weekend? Or a few hours' sleep? No, something has to give. I am not able to excel at everything, certainly not in a less than ideal situation.

I do believe in "Always do your best," but that needs the provisional clause, "with where you are and what you have." I have not always known that, but have constantly berated myself for not being wiser, stronger, more disciplined, more discerning. I have only recently gained the insight that all I really need to examine is, "Did I do the best I could with where I was and what I had?" If yes, then whether a marriage, a writing project, or making a flower bed, I can say with confidence and an easy conscience, "I did my best!"

MaryMartha

What You're Worth

When I was growing up, the value of an average human body when broken down into its basic elements and minerals was, if I remember correctly, something like sixty-seven cents. Of course, prices have gone up! Now one of us is worth about $4.50!

But that was before organ transplants and implants of various kinds. Because of newer medical technologies, the body is worth much more than its chemical components. A survey published in "Wired" magazine several years ago gave hospital and insurance company estimates: a lung is worth $116,400, a kidney $91,400, a heart $57,000. (Keep in mind that selling organs in illegal, unethical, and also in many cases impossible!) Furthermore, these vital organs are no longer the most valuable of our body parts. Bone marrow heads the list with a thousand grams priced at $23,000 per gram, totaling $23 million. DNA can fetch $9.7 million and extricated antibodies, another $7.3 million. Ladies, ovum could bring in $224,000 over eight years. When broken down into fluids, tissues, and other components, our bodies are worth more than $45 million.

Now with the earth's population at nearly 6.8 billion along with all our acquisitions, plus the earth's natural resources, there is astronomical value residing in the world. And yet—there is something even more valuable. "What do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul?" (Matthew 16:26) When God looks at our world, He doesn't see just canyons and trees, oil reserves, puppies and whales, and little people running everywhere. He sees His eternal Kingdom temporarily inhabiting those "little people." Whether you feel like a million dollars or not on any given day, you are of inestimable worth to Him!

MaryMartha

Scripture quotation is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

The statistics on body parts are taken from a cache of http//:soundmedicine.iu.edu/archive/2003/quiz/humanWorth.html The website itself has changed.

Things Mama Taught Me: "Don't Worry about What People Think"

There has to be a certain amount of caring what people think about our appearance and speech and actions, if we're going to live among people who are our employers or employees, our public servants or those whom we serve, our parents or our children, our friends or those who could damage us. My mother said, "You wouldn't worry too much about what people think of you, if you knew how seldom they do." She wasn't talking about normal social expectations; she was aiming at a slavish fear of people's opinions. Too much consciousness of every nuance of an encounter inhibits rather than frees it.

"My boss/teacher might feel . . ." "So-and-so said that I am . . ." "I'm afraid that someone will think . . ." All these may be good in proper perspective, but given a place of oversized importance, they are negative. Trying to teach my daughter to handle others' opinions, I asked her, "Is what they are saying or thinking true? If you know in your heart that you were right or appropriate or fair—whatever the case—then just let it go. Don't try to chase down everything you think somebody is thinking about you."

Extreme self-consciousness may have a bit of fantasy in it, imagining that how we look or how we perform really matters all that much to other people. (Hint: Most of those other people are less interested in you than they are in what others think of them!)

MaryMartha

Things Mama Taught Me: Always Put on Clean Underwear

The Boy Scouts with their motto, "Be Prepared," had nothing on our mother who believed one ought to live in preparedness. That's why she always asked, "Did you put on clean underwear?" Because what if you were in an accident and had to be taken to the hospital? What if the nurses there had to take off your clothes and put you in a bed? What if—oh, horrible thought!—they saw you had on dirty underwear!

My mother may well have been less concerned about our personal tidiness and the tender sensibilities of hospital attendants than about what nurses might conjecture about the upbringing she was affording her children! All the same, her attitude of being prepared for any contingency was not lost on me. Even today, I try to think ahead not only to
what I would like to happen but also to what might happen instead. While I can never foresee every possibility, it's likely that fewer bad things occur when I go into situations feeling prepared than when I have given no thought at all to what is ahead.

Part of preparation is an inner readiness. An anonymous pray-er said, "O Lord, help me to understand that You ain't going to let nothing come my way today that You and me together can't handle.” Confidence in ourselves and trust in God's kind providence is an underpinning when unexpected circumstances present themselves. We need not be frightened by all the "what if's," if we have these resources.

When I was a child, wearing clean clothes was my small role in being prepared. Now that I am older I still need to be "dressed" appropriately. "I will greatly rejoice in the LORD, My soul shall be joyful in my God; for He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, He has covered me with the robe of righteousness." (Isaiah 61:10) With that, I am prepared!

MaryMartha

Scripture taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Perception Is (Not) Everything

An almost two-year-old watched as his grandfather boarded an airplane in Kansas City and took to the air, bound for Texas. A week or so later, the child went with the family to the airport again to meet the traveler as he returned. On the way home, the boy seemed a little restless and perhaps concerned. Finally he asked, "Papa, how did they squeeze you?" He had watched his full-sized Papa walk out to the huge plane, but as it headed off into the sky, it became obvious to him that the plane and his Papa with it were growing smaller and smaller! Papa explained that distant things only appear to be small because they are far away from us. He and the other passengers sat in regular seats, and everything stayed the same size as always. The youngster was quite relieved to learn that Papa did not get squeezed at all! Because of his limited experience, his perception was narrowed to what he could see—and was therefore inaccurate.

A former employer told me, more than once, that when it comes to the people we serve, "Perception is everything," or as we often hear, the customer is always right. In the circumstances where we worked, that may have been perfectly good policy. But as you can see from the little story above, perception is not really everything. What people think is true becomes true for them, but that is not necessarily the same as the real truth. We could be as mistaken as the little boy who saw his grandpa disappear.

Do we believe everything we read in the newspaper or hear on the news, forgetting that those who write and speak are reporting their (or someone's) perception, which may or may not represent the facts accurately? Are we to accept without question every morsel of information about other people in our lives just because someone perceives it as the ways things are? And for ourselves, do we form into reality what someone else thinks we are worth? Do we accept as our destiny the sad prediction someone has made about our prospects for success? That is their perception, and may not be valid at all!

Yes, good customer service may well be driven by "Perception is everything." But caution and discrimination are needed if we really want to live in truth.

MaryMartha
(All rights reserved)

Email: mrymrtha@gmail.com

But He Never Hit Me

Because of its relevance to women in particular, I have moved this post to my blog, "Claiming Our Selves," written especially for women. I invite you to read it here.

Whole in One #8: Improving Singleness with More Lively Virtues

I conclude this “singleness” series with the remaining three of the seven “lively virtues.”

♦ Hope. Our hope is in God—period. There is no other reliable source. The Psalmist counseled his own spirit, “Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence.” (Psalm 42:5 NASB) Talk to your heart. Hope ranks right up there with faith and love as life’s most enduring qualities. You can live expectantly even without defining specifically what you are waiting for: Only that God’s goodness be expressed. It is a lie of the devil that there are “hopeless cases.”

♦ Generosity. Being single, especially by circumstance and not by choice, tests your capacity to love selflessly against the most challenging odds. Some well-intentioned people—often those in the family circle or in the church—assume that the single person’s time and money is readily available to them. But being a servant of others does not mean being a slave to their whims. Singles struggle with balance just as much as married people with families; this issue often comes as the question, “Do I dare say ‘No’? I don’t have the excuse of family responsibility.” Single persons do have rights—to privacy, to time alone for reading and reflection and prayer, to opportunities for education, recreation, and esthetic experience. Don’t betray your inner self.

Singles can love inclusively. People are starved for attention and affirmation and non-demanding affection; who better than single persons to become agents of blessing in the Church? Be generous with your loving notice of people; give a gracious compliment now and then. And by the way, don’t stay away from family events—your own kin or the church family. You are not part of an incomplete unit; you may be a one-person unit, but you are a unit! Learn to relate intelligently to people; this may require some purposeful effort. Be such a whole person that you make the people around you “more whole”!

Learn friend-making. Choose some of your friends; don’t always let (or make) people choose you. Be wary of possessiveness, either given or received. To be a real friend is to treat the other person as a unique and wonderful individual, not as an object for your own satisfaction. In becoming a real friend to others, you are apt to find that you are abundantly blessed yourself with a fine set of friends—both men and women—some of whom you will cherish for a lifetime!

And be generous with yourself too. Love yourself and treat yourself with respect. Honestly evaluate your potential, and risk the attempt to come up to that. Give yourself permission to tap the resources of your mind and spirit, and allow yourself a few mistakes while working toward your goals. Don’t minimize your accomplishments: list them, look at them, congratulate yourself for them, thank God for enabling them, celebrate them! You are entitled to the best God has to offer you, all the fun that goes along with making the most of yourself, and all the security that comes from knowing you are okay!

♦ Faith in God. All the other virtues are just so much popular hype if you fail to take God seriously. Faith in God’s reliability and His resourcefulness can often be measured in terms of one’s enthusiasm for living. How can you think of yourself as less than whole if you accept the challenge to take God seriously? He says that Jesus came that we might have life in abundance, and so we do! He says He will not withhold any good thing from those who walk uprightly, and so He has not withheld anything from us! He says we are complete in Him, and so we are!

St Augustine said, “Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in thee.” To live the single life gracefully is to testify that there is no human love or earthly relationship that fulfills totally. There is more that the human heart seeks, and that more is God. What if we really could be instruments of God’s peace, sowing love where there is hatred, faith where there is doubt, and joy where there is sadness? We can indeed choose to be a benediction on the lives of those around us. Let us not withhold that blessing.

MaryMartha
(All rights reserved)

I no longer know all the sources from which I gleaned helpful thoughts; my apologies to any who may recognize their own words. Please allow me to give you credit. Scripture quotation marked NASB is taken from the New American Standard Bible, used with permission.

Email: mrymrtha@gmail.com

I Didn't Know

I was in training, once, for a new position which was extremely detailed. It would have been impossible for my supervisor to outline for me every possible variation of the tasks I was to perform. We covered the basics, and then I was entrusted with the responsibility of carrying through on the job. Much of the work, though dissimilar from one hour to the next, soon became an enjoyable routine and only occasionally did I encounter anything that was very different from what I had previously handled.

One day I was given one of those “variations on the theme.” It’s pretty much like what I’ve done before, I said to myself. A little different, but not too much. It’s almost, not quite, like yesterday’s assignment, or last week’s. I think I can do this. And so I didn’t ask. Using my best judgment seemed to have worked—for awhile. It was about two weeks before the job came back to my desk. Without being unkind at all, the supervisor simply explained, “This is how we want it. Please do it over.”

Well, I thought, I just didn’t know. But then, why didn’t I see that this particular job was different? I didn’t know . . . Well, you should have known. Or at least you should have asked . . . I didn’t ask because I didn’t even know that I didn’t know! Now realize, no one had scolded me, reproved me, or even criticized the job. Here I was, arguing with myself!

I have called myself lots of unflattering things for some of the serious mistakes I’ve made in my lifetime. “Stupid.” “Ignorant.” “Dumb.” “Blind.”
And only slightly less maligning: “Gullible.” 'Deceivable.” “Unsophisticated.” “Naïve.” The day I corrected my mistake on the job, I realized that I had often had the same argument with myself about these major issues. “I didn’t know. Maybe I could have known, should have known, but the fact remains, I didn’t. And I didn’t even know that I didn’t know!

Unfortunately, there are no “do-overs” in life as there are on the job. Still, it is empowering to realize that now we see light where before there was darkness. Over two thousand years ago, a Roman statesman-philosopher and great orator said, “I am not ashamed to confess that I am ignorant of what I do not know.” (Marcus Tullius Cicero, “Tusculan Disputations”) It’s as simple as that. We don’t know everything. Some things that we learn, we learn too late. Sometimes we even make the same mistake more than once because we cruise along life’s highway unaware of the danger in our “blind spot.”

We are often quick to condemn error, our own or others’, on the basis of “Ignorance is no excuse,” which is, in fact, a misquote. "Ignorance of the law does not excuse," is a principle in jurisprudence that one is bound by the public law of the jurisdiction in which he conducts himself, even if he has not made himself aware of it. (So that’s why I got a speeding ticket the other day!) Should we take this old Roman legal concept and apply it to our daily lives, particularly if we are making sincere efforts to live righteously? I think not. I am suggesting that we be a little more forgiving of ourselves and of others for the things we simply didn’t know at the crucial time.

Related article:
What If I Make a Mistake? here

MaryMartha
(All rights reserved)

Email: mrymrtha@gmail.com

Things Mama Taught Me: "Tell the Truth"

On Being Honest with Myself

My mother was an honest woman. When I was a youngster, she told me she’d rather die than live a lie, and she maintained that life of integrity into old age. In her declining years, she told the family members who checked in with her regularly, “When you tell me it’s time to move to Sunny Villa (not its real name), I will go without making a fuss.” So inevitably, the time came when she could no longer safely live alone, and we said, “Mom, it’s time.”

“Oh, I’m not ready to leave my home yet!” she told us.

“Mom, you promised us that when the time came, you would go without a fuss. Do you remember?”

“Yes . . . yes. Well, all right then.” And, true to her word, she went without a fuss. It was not easy for her, but there was no fuss.

So I grew up valuing honesty, telling the truth because that was the example lived before me. There is one person, however, to whom I have found it difficult to tell the truth.

Me.

Sometimes I haven’t recognized the truth, even though it was right there. Through many years of my adult life, and without realizing it, I surrounded myself with people who used me. Organizations that deceived and cheated, that took serious advantage of me financially (in the name of God). Strong leaders who used the subtle power of approval to build a personal following, who controlled my time and my job and my money and my friendships, who ordered my life with should’s and must’s while they covered up their own private wrongdoing (in the name of God). “Friends,” a lot of them, who were only takers because I was so ready to give, who laid unfair claims on me by their unending neediness (in the name of God). Because I was absolutely sincere in my intentions, no one shook me and said “Wake up, girl!” But the time came when the pressure became too great and could no longer be contained neatly. A family member intervened. “This is abuse,” she said, and my façade began to crack.

Over a number of months after that, I began to realize that not only was the present situation abusive, but also that I had permitted, again and again, unreasonable and unhealthy demands to be made on my life. I discovered that Christian women—mothers, wives, friends, employees, members of a faith community—can and must establish boundaries to protect themselves from destructive relationships.

It may be hard for some people to reconcile the teachings of Jesus about love and forgiveness and self-sacrifice with the necessity to preserve one’s health and sanity. I know how difficult that can be; I found it so difficult that I missed making the connection for most of my adult life. Our Lord never intended for loving God and others to exclude self-care. He told His followers that the two greatest commandments were to love God with all one’s heart and mind and strength, and to love one’s neighbor as oneself. It is very hard, maybe impossible, to love and care for others appropriately unless we have a proper respect for ourselves.

Jesus Himself did not minister non-stop to needy people. One time He told all His disciples to come with Him to a quiet place to take a break; they hadn’t even had time for lunch. People were constantly coming and going—people with genuine needs, people who apparently thought Jesus and the disciples should be meeting those needs. (Seeing Jesus’ crew leaving in a boat, the people hurried on foot from the surrounding villages, and beat them to their remote resting spot—but that’s another story.) And once, the Scripture tells us, Jesus was tired from a long walk and sat wearily by a well while His disciples went to a nearby city to buy groceries. So Jesus was not at all insensitive to His own needs or those of His followers. May I put it bluntly? Jesus did not teach His followers to be stupid.

The Apostle Paul echoes Jesus’ teaching. He says, “Husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church.” (Ephesians 5:28, 29) Here Paul makes the simple assumption that people (women as well as men) need to care for themselves. It is just expected. Permitting ourselves to be manipulated by others into caring for them, not along with but instead of caring for ourselves, is not Jesus’ way.

So I am learning to tell myself the truth—the hardest person to whom I must tell the truth.. It is a journey not yet complete. I have shared this much of my story, not because I need catharsis, but because I wonder if there is a reader somewhere who will recognize herself in a part of my experience—and begin to tell herself the truth.

MaryMartha
(All rights reserved)

Scripture quotation is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

Email: mrymrtha@gmail.com

Too Many Voices

I watched a video movie the other evening, a foreign film in which the actors spoke Czech. I had a choice of soundtracks, Czech or French, and since I recognize a few French words—well, after all, my class was at 7:00 a.m.—I thought it might be easier to listen to French. (Wrong!) Naturally, I chose to add English subtitles too. So here I am—I’m seeing actors’ mouths making Czech words, my ears are hearing French, and I am reading English. And I’m thinking, “Wait a minute! There are too many voices here!”

That can happen to us in our everyday world as well. There can be a lot of clamor—not real voices, but persistent thoughts. There is what you are thinking about yourself and your actions. There is what you think you should be thinking about yourself and your actions. There is what you think “they” are thinking about you and your actions. There is what you wish “they” would think about you and your actions. There are other possibilities as well, but that’s enough voices already. In fact, too many.

My mother used to tell me, “You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.” (Olin Miller, author) So turn off some of the disconcerting voices, even the overly critical self-talk one. And relax a little as your own “story line” unfolds.

MaryMartha
(All rights reserved)

Email: mrymrtha@gmail.com

Forgive Your Past

I indulged in a nice piece of dark chocolate the other afternoon—thank you, Dove Promises—and the little message on the foil wrapper said this: “Live in the present, forgive your past.” One might wonder, at first, why the words are not, “Forget your past.” The truth is, we don’t forget significant experiences readily, especially if the emotions surrounding them were strongly negative. Research indicates that fear and sadness trigger increased activity in a part of the brain linked to memory. You probably can remember just what you were doing when you heard that President Kennedy had been assassinated or that the Challenger had exploded or that airplanes had flown into the Twin Towers. On the other hand, you may have a hard time remembering an important anniversary or to renew your driver’s license. That is because emotionally charged memories are preserved in greater detail, and thus remembered more clearly, than happy or neutral memories (although we must be aware that they are subject to distortion).

Probably everyone has personal memories they wish they could just turn off, memories about their own mistakes or failures. These may be as overwhelming as the remorse for a criminal offense or a tragic accident caused by irresponsibility. They may be as nagging as the regret that early health habits have created a present crisis or that one did not say “I love you,” to a friend or family member before they died. Since we are not likely to just forget these faults, how can we live at peace with ourselves? The answer was on the candy wrapper: Forgive your past.

Sometimes this is not easily done. We may even say, “I can never forgive myself for doing . . . saying . . . causing . . .” The wounds may be very deep, and we have trouble even facing the situation honestly. Or they may still be very new, and we cannot see them objectively. God is the perfect Forgiver; He forgives speedily and without question. When we forgive—especially, I think, when we forgive ourselves—we forgive slowly and with a great deal of caution. Then we must go just as far as we can, and keep ourselves working at it without self-criticism and guilt.

Many of us grew up hearing the adage, “Anything worth doing at all is worth doing well.” That sounds good, like the “pursuit of excellence,” but in fact there are some things in life we may never begin at all if we put them off until we can do them well. Some things are just too important to wait. We must begin by doing the best we can, even though we have little confidence in our ability and may in fact not do it very well.

Forgiving is one of those things. When it comes to forgiving ourselves, sometimes the best we can do is to forgive ourselves partly and then pray: “O God, I am trying to let go of the past, but I’m really not able to do it very it well. I have forgiven myself the best I can, but I still have times when I beat myself up. So now, Lord, I bring the whole situation to You. Here are my sins and my hurt, and my feeble efforts. Give me Your great healing power for my weakness.”

How can forgiving ourselves—even if it is only partly, at first—start us on the road to freedom and wholeness? Think of the thing you have the most trouble forgiving yourself for. Now, if your best and most trusted friend had been in this situation, if you discovered that the person whom you most respect had done or said or been this—could you find it in your heart to forgive them and minister gently to the wounded area in their life?

What keeps you from treating yourself as you would treat that friend?

MaryMartha
(All rights reserved)

Source for the brain information: http://www.webmd.com/brain/news/20070829/bad-memories-easier-to-remember?src=RSS_PUBLIC

Email: mrymrtha@gmail.com

Bruises

Because of its relevance to women in particular, I have moved this post to my blog, "Claiming Our Selves," written especially for women. I invite you to read it here.