A great many of the things my mother taught me by precept and example are great lessons for living life well. But she missed it on a few lessons and this is one of them.
I am absolutely convinced that mistakes made in my upbringing were simply that—mistakes, not lack of love. I was raised by my mother and father, with input by teachers and church men and women and various aunts and uncles, in much the same way they were raised by their parents, teachers, and so on. We lived in a culture and in a time period where children and adults alike were controlled to a large extent by being made to feel ashamed. Most of all, we learned that we were shameful creatures before God.
The causes of shame were many, ranging from really bad things that one could not even discuss to just not being "nice," however that was defined in the family. Sometimes the shame came, not from the outside at all but from within, about things for which I was not even responsible—someone else's behavior or circumstances I could not help. I could not please people; some (not my mother) gestured "Shame on you," by pointing at me and rubbing their pointing finger with the index finger of the opposite hand two or three times. (I wonder if this implies, "I am rubbing all this nastiness onto you; none of it belongs to me"?) I could not even please myself, I was so intent on "perfection." How, then, could I expect to please God? Shame on me.
I feel quite sure there are many individuals who, just like me, were shaped by years of quiet shame. We each have a right to our past and can own it without apology. We must refuse to sink into "meta-shame," that is, being ashamed of our shame! But I say to all of us what someone said to me when I was well into my adult years. I admitted my feelings of shame, and I will never forget the words that friend spoke before praying with me. "There is no shame at the Cross."
No shame at the Cross? That's because Jesus was bearing it all. Think about it:
Hauled before religious and civil authorities for six (illegal) trials
Mocked as soldiers pretended He was their king
Unable, in His weakened condition, to carry the cross
Hung for everyone to look at, probably naked
Ridiculed because He refused to do anything to save Himself
Executed like a criminal, with criminals
And finally, feeling abandoned by God.
A verse of Phillip Bliss's hymn, "Man of Sorrows," reads, Bearing shame and scoffing rude,
In my place condemned He stood;
Sealed my pardon with His blood:
Hallelujah! What a Savior!
"Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame." (Hebrews 12:2) To our own sorrow, we too often endure the shame, disregarding the cross.
MaryMartha
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Scripture quotation taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.
Email: mrymrtha@gmail.com
I indulged in a nice piece of dark chocolate the other afternoon—thank you, Dove Promises—and the little message on the foil wrapper said this: “Live in the present, forgive your past.” One might wonder, at first, why the words are not, “Forget your past.” The truth is, we don’t forget significant experiences readily, especially if the emotions surrounding them were strongly negative. Research indicates that fear and sadness trigger increased activity in a part of the brain linked to memory. You probably can remember just what you were doing when you heard that President Kennedy had been assassinated or that the Challenger had exploded or that airplanes had flown into the Twin Towers. On the other hand, you may have a hard time remembering an important anniversary or to renew your driver’s license. That is because emotionally charged memories are preserved in greater detail, and thus remembered more clearly, than happy or neutral memories (although we must be aware that they are subject to distortion).
Probably everyone has personal memories they wish they could just turn off, memories about their own mistakes or failures. These may be as overwhelming as the remorse for a criminal offense or a tragic accident caused by irresponsibility. They may be as nagging as the regret that early health habits have created a present crisis or that one did not say “I love you,” to a friend or family member before they died. Since we are not likely to just forget these faults, how can we live at peace with ourselves? The answer was on the candy wrapper: Forgive your past.
Sometimes this is not easily done. We may even say, “I can never forgive myself for doing . . . saying . . . causing . . .” The wounds may be very deep, and we have trouble even facing the situation honestly. Or they may still be very new, and we cannot see them objectively. God is the perfect Forgiver; He forgives speedily and without question. When we forgive—especially, I think, when we forgive ourselves—we forgive slowly and with a great deal of caution. Then we must go just as far as we can, and keep ourselves working at it without self-criticism and guilt.
Many of us grew up hearing the adage, “Anything worth doing at all is worth doing well.” That sounds good, like the “pursuit of excellence,” but in fact there are some things in life we may never begin at all if we put them off until we can do them well. Some things are just too important to wait. We must begin by doing the best we can, even though we have little confidence in our ability and may in fact not do it very well.
Forgiving is one of those things. When it comes to forgiving ourselves, sometimes the best we can do is to forgive ourselves partly and then pray: “O God, I am trying to let go of the past, but I’m really not able to do it very it well. I have forgiven myself the best I can, but I still have times when I beat myself up. So now, Lord, I bring the whole situation to You. Here are my sins and my hurt, and my feeble efforts. Give me Your great healing power for my weakness.”
How can forgiving ourselves—even if it is only partly, at first—start us on the road to freedom and wholeness? Think of the thing you have the most trouble forgiving yourself for. Now, if your best and most trusted friend had been in this situation, if you discovered that the person whom you most respect had done or said or been this—could you find it in your heart to forgive them and minister gently to the wounded area in their life? What keeps you from treating yourself as you would treat that friend?
MaryMartha
(All rights reserved)
Source for the brain information: http://www.webmd.com/brain/news/20070829/bad-memories-easier-to-remember?src=RSS_PUBLIC
Email: mrymrtha@gmail.com
Some of us grew up with an unhealthy portion of shame attached to our little psyches! It may be that we learned shame from parents who could not be pleased—or at least in our childish understanding, it was so. We may have learned shame from teachers who instilled fear in us rather than genuine respect. It may have been religious instruction that pictured us as “sinners in the hands of an angry God,” to quote Jonathan Edwards in 1741, and did not offer us vibrant hope in a way we could understand. There are other causes as well—things that others have said or done to impact our lives—and because we do not know how to differentiate between true guilt and feelings of shame, we have carried the burden far too long. It has made people-pleasers of us.
Those who struggle with these issues may have a warped idea of God as well: He is waiting to pounce on our failings and sins. He is less like a compassionate father than a prison guard. Yes, He loves everybody in the world—but He doesn’t really like me very well. As for pleasing Him—forget it. He is difficult, even impossible, to please. We may know very well the truths of forgiveness and salvation. But the old feelings persist.
Sometimes it helps to reframe that earlier understanding. Instead of trying so hard to please God, we can think in terms of honoring Him. A friend expressed it this way: “My father told me, ‘Always remember you are a Smith.’ ” (not his real name) The young man understood this to mean, “Be guided by those who bear this name. Remember who you are.”
We may have to work our whole lifetime at changing faulty understandings, and certainly we will fall short of becoming perfect while we’re in this life. But that is not what God is looking for! “The eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect toward him.” (II Chronicles16:9 KJV) The understanding is perfect? No. The behavior is perfect? No. The heart is fully committed to Him. We are part of the family of God. We share His name. He is honored when we remember who He really is. He is honored when we remember who we are.
MaryMartha(All rights reserved)Email: mrymrtha@gmail.com
