Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Do you remember that title, the theme song from the 1980s TV sitcom "Cheers"? (by Gary Portnoy and Judy Hart Angelo) The attraction of the described setting is that people just like us are there, “our kind of people.” They know us; probably they accept us and like us.

There are times, however, when it is not enough to be greeted warmly, welcomed into the group, and included in the conversation. It is not enough for the people at work or church or the PTA just to know your name. You are hurting, or disappointed, or afraid. You are suffering physical pain or the loss of something/someone very important to you. You are failing at something you were certain you could do, or someone has failed you. You smile and even laugh, but it almost cracks your face—and it leaves furrows in your heart. The crowd knows your name, but they do not know your story. And you are very alone in the crowd.

I recently read a book called Trauma: The Pain That Stays. It is written by a chaplain who is a trauma specialist, covering major airline crashes, etc. However, he extends the term "trauma" to more than single events, including those negative things that happen over and over again until the sufferer can no longer function as they usually would. He explains that the thoughts and behaviors which seem strange to others are perfectly normal for a person who has experienced the shattering of all their assumptions about "fairness" and "it couldn't happen to me," and so on.

If you have suddenly lost a spouse or a child, a lifelong job, your home or savings, your health or mobility, you will feel not like your “before” self for awhile. That is normal! If you have been repeatedly abused or abandoned or betrayed, you are likely to have trust issues for awhile. That is normal! When you are ready, tell someone your story—probably not the whole crowd, just a trusted friend or two. Think what it will be like then when you go back to the place where everybody knows your name, and you catch the eye of that friend. You’ll know that you’re not all alone.

Perhaps you may be one for whom trauma and “the pain that stays” have not been part of life. Then extend great mercy and understanding to all those who surround you. “Be Kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.” (variously attributed to Plato and Philo of Alexandria)

MaryMartha
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Email: mrymrtha@gmail.com