Things Mama Taught Me: "Don't Get Mad"

I'm not sure my mother ever told me specifically that it was not okay to get "mad," but if not, I know I picked it up from her own way of life. I cannot think of any time when I recognized that she was angry. Hurt, yes. Frustrated, yes. Even unhappy. But not mad. I now realize that Christians who feel they dare not let inconvenience or displeasure make them angry often cover that emotion with others they consider less dangerous. I should know; I became a poster child for that self-deception.

Anger is a useful human emotion. Like pain, it warns us that something requires attention. Rather than prohibit it, the Bible denounces selfish, misdirected, out-of-control anger. It uses words like wrath, malice, strife, hatred and so forth to describe that family of negative responses and warns us to put them away.

The person who denies their indignation at injustice and avoids every kind of conflict may be as difficult to live with as the person who is angry about everything and ready to do battle. The first is cowering behind a wall of "niceness" so that no one knows what they are really thinking. The second is advancing with tanks and machine guns to do away with an enemy that may be as small as a beetle! Both have some personal work to do on their way of facing life; both need to find respectful, helpful ways to express the dismay and frustration and anger they are feeling.

Lots of people talk and write about how to "fight fair" in relationships, so no lengthy discussion is needed here. The point I want to make is that we must free ourselves from the misconception that it is wrong for us to feel what we feel. Especially in crisis moments, we may be quite surprised at our initial response. No matter. The Holy Spirit is not there to squelch that human emotion, but to guide us, if we're willing, into fruitful resolution or into amicable disagreement.

MaryMartha

Art from http://www.sxc.hu/

What's Really Going On

There is sometimes a big difference between what happens and what is really going on. While reading the Old Testament story of Moses' leadership again, I came across these verses. "Miriam and Aaron began to talk against Moses because of his Cushite wife, for he had married a Cushite.'Has the LORD spoken only through Moses?' they asked. 'Hasn't he also spoken through us?' And the LORD heard this." (Numbers 12:1, 2)

Was the real problem Moses' "foreign" wife or his superior authority? The two had been thoroughly mixed up. It seems from the wording that their vocal criticism was about Moses' wife, while what they complained about to each other was his complete ignoring of their own abilities. Aaron was Moses' brother and Miriam, his sister, but more than this, they were priest and prophetess.

This incident follows the great change of government effected by Moses choosing of the seventy elders. The Spirit that was in Moses rested on them as well; this was made visible when they began to prophesy. Some commentators believe animosity arose then in Aaron and Miriam against Moses' wife (probably Zipporah, not a second wife). She may have had more influence on the assignments than they did, albeit through her father's intervention. Moses had not recognized their rights!

Criticism was only the outward evidence. What was really going on was pride, fear, anger, dissatisfaction, intolerance, and jealousy. Remember that the next time someone sends a barb of un-constructive criticism your way.

MaryMartha

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright©1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

Art from http://www.sxc.hu/

Starve a Fever . . .

The idea of feeding a cold and starving a fever very likely originated back in the 1500's when people believed there were two kinds of illnesses. Illnesses caused by low temperatures, such as a cold, had to have "fuel," so it was necessary for the patient to eat plenty. Other illnesses were caused by high temperatures, such as a fever; the person needed to be cooled down, so he/she should not eat in order to deprive the body of heat-making energy. Most doctors now think that starving a fever is not going to produce significant benefit, and may in fact be harmful since the body needs adequate nutrition to support the immune system.

A fever, though, can be a helpful thing, warning us that something may need attention. Usually there is no cause for alarm. A slight and temporary rise in temperature may not require anything more than a couple of aspirin and some extra rest. But continued high temperature or a fever with other symptoms demands, "Pay attention! Something is wrong here!"

Anger is somewhat like a fever. There are many things in an ordinary day that can spark that response. The rude driver who cut you off. The neighbor's dog barking at all hours. The long wait at the grocery story, and you're in the wrong line again. The Coke machine that doesn't give anything for the money you deposited.

Like the fever that registers on the thermometer, this little fever of anger signals that something may need your attention. Usually there is no cause for alarm. A slight and temporary rise in your emotional temperature may not require anything more than a couple of deep breaths and a quick prayer for calm. But continued mulling over your frustration means, "Pay attention to what's happening!" Anger along with other symptoms like yelling, muttering mean things or making rude gestures says, "Something has gone wrong here!"

The best thing to do with the fever of anger is to starve it. Don't dwell on the injustice. Forgive the insult. Reject the idea of getting even. Let it go. Paul said it, "Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you." (Ephesians 4:31, 32)

"Starve a fever" may not be good medical practice, but it is sound spiritual advice.

MaryMartha

Scripture quotation taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

Information about the old home remedy of starving a fever is from the online HealthLibrary of the Albert Einstein Healthcare Network, a large academic medical center in Philadelphia.

Art from http://www.sxc.hu/

Revenge Doesn't Work

I think it is not by chance that most of the references that speak of revenge in the Bible either state or imply that this is God's business. When He said, "Vengeance is Mine, and retribution," (Deuteronomy 32:35 NASB), He was not just talking about what is best; He was talking about the way things really are. We live in a litigious, pay-back world. We laugh when someone says, "I don't mad—I get even." But very often these actions aren't very satisfying. Victims of horrible crimes or their families find only limited comfort in the apprehension or even the execution of the offender(s). There may be a certain sense of closure after all that can be and should be done has been accomplished, but the loss they have suffered can never be fully repaid.

Last December, Florida police officials announced that a deceased serial killer was responsible for the 1981 abduction and murder of six-year-old Adam Walsh. For twenty-seven years, John and Revé Walsh, the boy's parents, have waited for "closure," but naming the man who was imprisoned on other murder charges and who died twelve years ago, has not provided that relief. "This has helped us close a chapter. No closure," the father said. "It's about justice. It's not about revenge or vigilantism or closure."

The Walshes' personal tragedy fueled intense efforts on their part to aid other missing and abducted children. The murder turned John, a middle-class hotel marketing executive, into one of this country's best-known advocates for missing children. He started the Adam Walsh Child Resource Center and co-founded the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, which since 1984 has assisted law enforcement with more than 148,160 missing child cases, resulting in the recovery of more than 132,300 children. Beginning in 1988, John Walsh hosted the television show, "America's Most Wanted," which began profiling missing persons, especially children, in 1991. The show says its reports have led to the capture of more than 1000 fugitives. Together the Walshes lobbied for the Missing Children Act which set up an FBI database of missing children. In 2006, President Bush signed the Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act, which, among other things, created more stringent requirements for sex offender registration.

These devastated, heartbroken parents could easily have "drowned" in their flood of anger and grief, but Revé said, "You know, we're destroying ourselves. This is not something that Adam would want." I don't know whether or not Christian faith spurred the Walshes' decision to invest their passion in positive ways, but I do know it was a wise choice. No amount of tormenting grief could restore Adam to them. Savage anger could not bring him back.

Other losses may or may not have the measure of the Walshes' experience; that is not the point. The crux of the matter is leaving it with God. "Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, 'I will take revenge; I will pay them back,' says the Lord." (Romans 12:19 NLT) "For we know the one who said, "I will take revenge. I will pay them back.' " (Hebrews 10:30 NLT)

Jesus Himself is our greatest example. "He did not retaliate when he was insulted, nor threaten revenge when he suffered. He left his case in the hands of God, who always judges fairly." (I Peter 2:23 NLT)

MaryMartha
(All rights reserved)

Scripture marked NASB is used with the permission of the Lockman Foundation, www.lockman.org Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

Email: mrymrtha@gmail.com

What to Give Up for Lent

I intended to write a meditation for the beginning of Lent, but it was earlier this year than it often is. I wasn't watching the calendar very closely and it started without me! So here is what I wanted to share, a little late. (Edited: Oops! Lent does not begin until February 25. My mistake!)

My religious affiliation is not with the Catholic Church; nevertheless, for several years I have found it a helpful spiritual practice to observe the Lenten season with some small form of self-denial. It is not that I feel it is required of me, but something that reminds me specifically and regularly of the significance of the approaching Easter season has been worthwhile. One year it was chocolate; you might be surprised how many times during the forty days of Lent I was confronted with delectable offerings of chocolate! Other times, other things. One especially memorable year, the season was approaching and I was wondering, "What shall I 'sacrifice' for Lent?" I even asked God for an idea. And to my surprise, He gave me one!

"Well, how about your angry feelings?" I need to explain that a situation had developed in the preceding weeks that was very unfair to me and to several others, and there was not a single thing to be done about it. I was angry, no denying that, but I knew that what I felt was really pretty normal under the circumstances. No matter how I examined what had happened, there was just no way to call it right or fair. I was "justified." I don't often carry injustice around too long, but this was just so extreme that it was with me all the time. And so God was suggesting I give up this anger for Lent? I was not sure I could do that, or that I even wanted to!

"Yeah, just suppose I do give it up," I answered with a little heat, certain that God was tricking me. "And then when Lent is over, You know that I probably won't even get it back!"

"No, that's okay. You can have it back if you want it."

With this assurance, I was able to lay the anger down. When it bubbled up again, I would say to myself, "It's only until Easter, then I can be mad again." I quit thinking about the injustice so much, knowing that I could mull it over again later. I began to get used to the feeling of not being so agitated by the situation, and although the way things had been was the way things remained, they lost their acute power over me.

And yes, you guessed it! When Lent was over, I did not want my anger back. God and I had a good laugh! I am thankful that He is so understanding about the human need to have things put right, and I am also glad that He knows what anger--especially concealed, prolonged, unusable anger--does to the body and the spirit. He helped me put aside the "poison" that could kill me--just in time for Resurrection Day!

MaryMartha
(All rights reserved)

Email: mrymrtha@gmail.com

Sometimes Anger Is Okay

It has been fun for me to share with you some of the "Things Mama Taught Me." I have to tell you, though, that she was wrong about some things. She taught me (not so much verbally as by the way she conducted herself) that being angry is not okay. Sunday School and church and a conservative Christian college soundly reaffirmed that idea. Only in relatively recent years—say, the last decade or so—have I learned that sometimes anger is not only okay, but is clearly the appropriate human response to injustice or mistreatment. It would have been better if, instead of never to be angry, my mother had taught me how to be angry.

Mama was wrong about anger because she herself had been not correctly taught. She was the product of her parents' teaching and her religious instruction just as I am. The Septuagint, Vulgate Latin, Syriac, Arabic, and Ethiopic versions render Psalm 4:4, "Be ye angry, and sin not," which apparently is how the Apostle Paul understood the verse, quoting it in his letter to the Ephesians. (4:26) Then why did Paul instruct the believers in verse 31 of the same chapter to "put away anger"? Looking at the Greek words—I don't read Greek, but I have a good concordance—I can see that the two words translated "anger" mean something different. The first, used in verse 26, is becoming provoked or exasperated. The second is much stronger: violent passion, implying punishment; vengeance; wrath. Modern versions express the dissimilarity well:

"Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don't use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don't stay angry. . . Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk." (MSG)

"And don’t sin by letting anger control you . . . Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior." (NLT)

There is an anger that usually produces sin: when it is without reason, when it is quickly stirred, when it exceeds appropriate bounds, when it produces bad effects in words or actions, or when it continues unreasonably long--not to mention a "sin" I may not so quickly recognize, that is, the wrong against myself if I carry repressed fury in my heart. All kinds of physical ailments can be triggered or exacerbated when anger becomes the controlling emotion.

That last sentence holds an important key. Anger is an emotion. It is possible to feel it and then decide to let go of it. We may be justifiably angry, we may "deserve" to feel angry, and we may just want to stay angry! But at some point, for our own spiritual, emotional, and physical health, we must learn to let go. During an angry time of my own, a wise friend reminded me that "Resentment [anger] is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die." (Malachy McCourt, Irish-American author and actor) We may have every right to be angry, but that doesn't give us the right to be cruel to others or to injure ourselves.

MaryMartha
(All rights reserved)

Scripture marked MSG is taken from The Message. Copyright © 2003 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group. Scripture quotation marked NLT is taken from The Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. United States of America. All rights reserved.

Email: mrymrtha@gmail.com